I have just come to the realization that I am not ready for a relationship. I am much too emotionally fragile and extremely unstable. I require constant attention and reassurance. I am quick to indulge in sick fantasies of him merely putting up with me, rather than being with me because he loves me. I have a horrible temper these days. I feel that he has ruined my life. I am not ready for a relationship.
Before I met Steve, I was already pretty messed up in the head. I have abandonment issues. I also need anger management. I ask to be hurt, beg to be hurt, then play the victim when I finally am hurt. I am fucked up. Then Steve came along, and my almost year-long feelings of unrequited love only magnified all my fucked-upedness. Then I put myself through these self-mutilatory relationships because I was so freaking depressed and completely starving for male attention. Now, I finally have Steve all to myself...and it's not what I thought it would be. I've made a complete turn-around in my progress against depression. I'm worse than ever. I've regressed. He makes me unhappy. But I need him. I've developed a complete emotional dependence on him. I don't want to be in a relationship...but I can't just stop loving him like that. If we even tried going on a brief hiatus, I would kill myself. I'm not joking. But the way things are going, I want to kill myself anyways. It's a complete lose-lose situation on my part. I just don't know what to do.
Kill myself? No...too easy. Leave him? No...I'd be killing myself. Staying with him is the only option. And for thinking this, I would like to slap myself in the face and tell me, "I am completely and utterly disgusted with your behavior, Catherine Touchstone."
I just don't know what to do anymore.
Why is it so hard to admit that you're sad? Why is it such taboo? It's because so many people out there have completely exploited their depression. They like to tell EVERYONE about it and over exaggerate and use it to their benefit. They've made us too afraid to be open with our all-around despair. We don't want to associate ourselves with them...but I think everyone toes that fine line between crying out for help and bragging about how much sadder they are than you. Today, a woman told me that she was depressed like it was nothing. I thought it was beautiful...but I didn't really understand why I got such a kick out of it until now. No one wants to post bulletins on MySpace saying that they're just not feeling it, now that the whole "emo" thing is done and over with. But MySpace (and all these other social networks) is FOR FRIENDS. It's for letting everyone know everything. It's perfect for passive-agressives (like myself). I think everyone should just let go of their acts and let go of this stupid ironic/cynical bullshit that is the hipster/indie scene, because it's not who we really are. We are not happy all the time, nor are we ambivalent all the time. We are not cold, uncaring people who only care about music and fashion...or at least I like to think so. The human race is not essentially a shallow race. We love, we hate, we lift ourselves up and push ourselves down. We fear rejection, we crave attention. We're really still quite primitive. We are too afraid of ourselves and everyone around us, and will do anything and everything to appear bigger than we really are and to hide our vulnerability.
It is for this reason that I would like to say that I am a depressed human being. I'm not depressed all the time, because I have some good times with some good people. But in general, I still am extremely insecure. I can find nothing good about myself, no matter what people tell me. It is impossible for me to take a compliment, which makes me immature and stubborn in my own pool of hatred....but that's just who I am. I find life just a big obstacle, I find that living is pain, and would rather do without. I have never been to a psychologist or psychiatrist or therapist in any way, shape, or form, except for the church therapist that my mother and I went to in order to work on our relationship (obviously, that didn't work out). But I digress; I've never been diagnosed with depression. But that doesn't mean that I'm not depressed. You know. Every day is a struggle. Every day, I make the difficult decision to keep living this facade that I lead. I put on a smile because I am afraid. I make myself appear better than I really am. And that's okay...I don't want to put people through the awkwardness of knowing that they're around someone who would rather not be anywhere in the first place.
There are a lot of things wrong with me. All of these things are worrying me to death. That's why I can't sleep tonight. I am not bragging about my pain, I am not bragging about my despair, I am not over exaggerating or overanalyzing. I am saying all of this as objectively and sincerely as possible. Because I don't want to be afraid anymore.
Post ten of any pictures currently on your hard drive that you think are self-expressive.
• NO CAPTIONS!!! It must be like we're speaking with images and we have to interpret your visual language just like we have to interpret your words.
• They must ALREADY be on your hard drive - no googling or flickr! They have to have been saved to your folders sometime in the past. They must be something you've saved there because it resonated with you for some reason.
• You do NOT have to answer any questions about any of your pictures if you don't want to. You can make them as mysterious as you like. Or you can explain them away as much as you like
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But why is it that he's still with her? It's been two years since they got together. After fucking up every single girl's life that he came across, he leaves us all for yet another girl he cheated with...and he's still with her? Why is that? She's way too young for him and I never thought her to be much his style. Does he cheat on her, too? I'm just really fucking curious as to why he had to fuck up a whole slew of girls (who were pretty nice before they ever met him) and then suddenly seem to change his ways for this one. And he doesn't seem to have ruined her life yet. It just makes me wonder: what made her so fucking special? And why did he have to go through us just to get to her? She's a little girl. Wtf. Through all the chaos, cheating, broken hearts, rumors, retalliation, and everything else he did, he probably just found a little girl who didn't mind getting messed with. I'm just pissed that after all the scars, and after all the grief and anger and frustration I had to go through, the end result is a little girl with freckles that dyes her hair and listens to My Chemical Romance and has no curves whatsoever.