Why is it so hard to admit that you're sad? Why is it such taboo? It's because so many people out there have completely exploited their depression. They like to tell EVERYONE about it and over exaggerate and use it to their benefit. They've made us too afraid to be open with our all-around despair. We don't want to associate ourselves with them...but I think everyone toes that fine line between crying out for help and bragging about how much sadder they are than you. Today, a woman told me that she was depressed like it was nothing. I thought it was beautiful...but I didn't really understand why I got such a kick out of it until now. No one wants to post bulletins on MySpace saying that they're just not feeling it, now that the whole "emo" thing is done and over with. But MySpace (and all these other social networks) is FOR FRIENDS. It's for letting everyone know everything. It's perfect for passive-agressives (like myself). I think everyone should just let go of their acts and let go of this stupid ironic/cynical bullshit that is the hipster/indie scene, because it's not who we really are. We are not happy all the time, nor are we ambivalent all the time. We are not cold, uncaring people who only care about music and fashion...or at least I like to think so. The human race is not essentially a shallow race. We love, we hate, we lift ourselves up and push ourselves down. We fear rejection, we crave attention. We're really still quite primitive. We are too afraid of ourselves and everyone around us, and will do anything and everything to appear bigger than we really are and to hide our vulnerability.
It is for this reason that I would like to say that I am a depressed human being. I'm not depressed all the time, because I have some good times with some good people. But in general, I still am extremely insecure. I can find nothing good about myself, no matter what people tell me. It is impossible for me to take a compliment, which makes me immature and stubborn in my own pool of hatred....but that's just who I am. I find life just a big obstacle, I find that living is pain, and would rather do without. I have never been to a psychologist or psychiatrist or therapist in any way, shape, or form, except for the church therapist that my mother and I went to in order to work on our relationship (obviously, that didn't work out). But I digress; I've never been diagnosed with depression. But that doesn't mean that I'm not depressed. You know. Every day is a struggle. Every day, I make the difficult decision to keep living this facade that I lead. I put on a smile because I am afraid. I make myself appear better than I really am. And that's okay...I don't want to put people through the awkwardness of knowing that they're around someone who would rather not be anywhere in the first place.
There are a lot of things wrong with me. All of these things are worrying me to death. That's why I can't sleep tonight. I am not bragging about my pain, I am not bragging about my despair, I am not over exaggerating or overanalyzing. I am saying all of this as objectively and sincerely as possible. Because I don't want to be afraid anymore.