crumbyoldman (crumbyoldman) wrote,
crumbyoldman
crumbyoldman

also

I don't know what to do about Steve.


I have just come to the realization that I am not ready for a relationship.  I am much too emotionally fragile and extremely unstable.  I require constant attention and reassurance.  I am quick to indulge in sick fantasies of him merely putting up with me, rather than being with me because he loves me.  I have a horrible temper these days.  I feel that he has ruined my life.  I am not ready for a relationship.

Before I met Steve, I was already pretty messed up in the head.  I have abandonment issues.  I also need anger management.  I ask to be hurt, beg to be hurt, then play the victim when I finally am hurt.  I am fucked up.  Then Steve came along, and my almost year-long feelings of unrequited love only magnified all my fucked-upedness.  Then I put myself through these self-mutilatory relationships because I was so freaking depressed and completely starving for male attention.  Now, I finally have Steve all to myself...and it's not what I thought it would be.  I've made a complete turn-around in my progress against depression.  I'm worse than ever.  I've regressed.  He makes me unhappy.  But I need him.  I've developed a complete emotional dependence on him.  I don't want to be in a relationship...but I can't just stop loving him like that.  If we even tried going on a brief hiatus, I would kill myself.  I'm not joking.  But the way things are going, I want to kill myself anyways.  It's a complete lose-lose situation on my part.  I just don't know what to do.

Kill myself?  No...too easy.  Leave him?  No...I'd be killing myself.  Staying with him is the only option.  And for thinking this, I would like to slap myself in the face and tell me, "I am completely and utterly disgusted with your behavior, Catherine Touchstone."

I just don't know what to do anymore.
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