crumbyoldman (crumbyoldman) wrote,


I don't know what to do about Steve.

I have just come to the realization that I am not ready for a relationship.  I am much too emotionally fragile and extremely unstable.  I require constant attention and reassurance.  I am quick to indulge in sick fantasies of him merely putting up with me, rather than being with me because he loves me.  I have a horrible temper these days.  I feel that he has ruined my life.  I am not ready for a relationship.

Before I met Steve, I was already pretty messed up in the head.  I have abandonment issues.  I also need anger management.  I ask to be hurt, beg to be hurt, then play the victim when I finally am hurt.  I am fucked up.  Then Steve came along, and my almost year-long feelings of unrequited love only magnified all my fucked-upedness.  Then I put myself through these self-mutilatory relationships because I was so freaking depressed and completely starving for male attention.  Now, I finally have Steve all to myself...and it's not what I thought it would be.  I've made a complete turn-around in my progress against depression.  I'm worse than ever.  I've regressed.  He makes me unhappy.  But I need him.  I've developed a complete emotional dependence on him.  I don't want to be in a relationship...but I can't just stop loving him like that.  If we even tried going on a brief hiatus, I would kill myself.  I'm not joking.  But the way things are going, I want to kill myself anyways.  It's a complete lose-lose situation on my part.  I just don't know what to do.

Kill myself?  No...too easy.  Leave him?  No...I'd be killing myself.  Staying with him is the only option.  And for thinking this, I would like to slap myself in the face and tell me, "I am completely and utterly disgusted with your behavior, Catherine Touchstone."

I just don't know what to do anymore.
  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 1 comment