I have just come to the realization that I am not ready for a relationship. I am much too emotionally fragile and extremely unstable. I require constant attention and reassurance. I am quick to indulge in sick fantasies of him merely putting up with me, rather than being with me because he loves me. I have a horrible temper these days. I feel that he has ruined my life. I am not ready for a relationship.
Before I met Steve, I was already pretty messed up in the head. I have abandonment issues. I also need anger management. I ask to be hurt, beg to be hurt, then play the victim when I finally am hurt. I am fucked up. Then Steve came along, and my almost year-long feelings of unrequited love only magnified all my fucked-upedness. Then I put myself through these self-mutilatory relationships because I was so freaking depressed and completely starving for male attention. Now, I finally have Steve all to myself...and it's not what I thought it would be. I've made a complete turn-around in my progress against depression. I'm worse than ever. I've regressed. He makes me unhappy. But I need him. I've developed a complete emotional dependence on him. I don't want to be in a relationship...but I can't just stop loving him like that. If we even tried going on a brief hiatus, I would kill myself. I'm not joking. But the way things are going, I want to kill myself anyways. It's a complete lose-lose situation on my part. I just don't know what to do.
Kill myself? No...too easy. Leave him? No...I'd be killing myself. Staying with him is the only option. And for thinking this, I would like to slap myself in the face and tell me, "I am completely and utterly disgusted with your behavior, Catherine Touchstone."
I just don't know what to do anymore.